1. What’s important today won’t matter tomorrow, and what bothers you today, won't be there tomorrow unless you bring it up, right snappy?
Yeah, so you got a problem. Sleep on it, sunshine. Put it off. Most problems can be safely ignored. You’ll be amazed how often they sort themselves out.
And the gravity of any given problem is inversely proportional to the hour of the day. At three in the morning, you’ve got an insurmountable issue. After four whisky and cokes at nine in the evening, you haven’t even got an inkling of a problem do you? So why bother right? Remember the next day is a new day, and if that person that has that problem with you from the day before sees you? Let them have that ass tasting face on them not you. Simply smile, maybe wave or do what i do, wink and blow them a kiss. Living well is the best revenge.
2. Everybody else is furiously improvising, not just comedians, or me at work, so you can too
Show me an expert and I’ll show you a charlatan. FAKE IT ‘TIL YOU MAKE IT, because, hey, women fake orgasms why cant you? And trust me, you think your old lady's O's are all real? Look at her facial expression, stare at her eyes when it happens, are her pupils dialated? if theyre not? theyre faking. Science proves that when youre around the person you love or like a lot, and or having sex at climax point your pupils dialate extremely. So go on, do your thing, i'm not gonna hate you for it.
Hell yeah! Fat, unemployed life-coach? A freaking Dog walker? You're so fat or lazy as hell you cannot walk your own fucking dog, time to give it up, but Why not? I mean, people pay other people to dress condos and apartments with furniture so they sell and then take the furniture away, you can hustle anything with anyone.
Choose your path, and then Act As If You’re Wearing A Cape. Dork out like i do.
3. Nobody thinks about you as much as you think about yourself, yeah, you're all selfish, probably.
Really. They don’t. For example, I’m not thinking about you now. But I bet you are. No one cares that you got that fancy tattoo, and if they do, they let it go after three minutes, they say a goldfish memory is 2 minutes, blondes aren't the only gold fish, we all are.
4. It’s OK to piss people off, you're gonna get pissed off by them too, TRUST ME
But if you’re pissing everybody off, all the time, it’s time to stop being a dick. Ok asshole? Just remember, hockey players have a long memory even with our concussions. Chances are other people will get you back eventually unless we decide to let it go, if we do? Hey lucky you we forgave and probably forgot.
5. Aspiration is for suckers
How about getting off your ass and doing up that kick ass painting you've been "working" on for years? Everyone thinks they're artists now because they can doodle right? Wrong, i know i suck, and when i draw, i do it for this, shits and giggles and then can it. Also, wearing those skinny jeans doesnt make you an artist. Just lets everyone know you have skinny legs and its not something i wanna see. I wanted to be a hockey player, wether in beer league or the NHL, i now play in beer league i'm living the dream, i dont care if i get paid or pay for it.
6. Nobody tells all the truth, all the time
So lower your expectations of people. When put in a spot, people fib.
We men lie about our alcohol consumption all the time. You women lie about how much you spend, and most women lie about their alcohol consumption too, how much wine have you had bleached blonde mother of two?
When i was a teenager i had three shots and said i had five so i didnt have to drink more. Now when i say i had 12 shots i mean 13, bakers dozen is a dozen to us culinary kids huh? ;-)
It doesn’t mean we don’t love you it just means we enjoy being buzzed sometimes, show me a woman who says she hates booze and i'll show you one who breathes it, same with men.
7. Life doesn’t get better – only your perception of life improves, ie you stopped being a negative retard.
You can go from being the loneliest negative black hole cancerific human being in the world one day, and the next day you can be good, whats up with that? no you're not bipolar trust me, well some of you are but thats if you do that in the same hour. You're just happier because you feel things are going better or something happened to you that changed your bad mood to be happier, might have gotten a job, might have gotten a hot girl at your side, or a guy, but something happened that made you say "wow, i am blessed after all"
8. Your family comes first, but not to the detriment of everything else
You want to go out with the girls? Tell your husband to make his own dinner. And gents, you don’t need permission for that once-a-year trip to Vegas, you just need to communicate it properly. Say whats up, and know whats up, just don't be an insecure or a jealous prick, i know jealousy is a trait we all have, some more than others, but remember this, if he or she is obsessed with your chudd ass and wants to stay with you, chances are, she wont leave you for that gay male/retard female stripper who just wants your 20 dollar bills. If your little sister needs a ride and you have this hot girl with you? Nothing impresses the ladies than showing that you care about family, drag her ass along, if she doesnt like it, boot her out shes not worth it because they'll want you to ditch your family or not invite them to the wedding if there is one. Same thing for guys, they'll do the same. If they like your parents, you should realize that means they made an effort just for you. But if you have a job interview and your family prefers you not go and you like money? Your family wont stop loving you unless your parents are retarded.
9. You’re wrong as often as you’re right, trust me
About the same thing you think youre talking about is correct the next you say is gonna be wrong. I can talk about hockey gloves and gear all day, but theres always something new i dont know about, crazy huh? thats why you read and talk to people who might know something you dont, i pick your brain for a reason, dont feel insulted thats not your only purpose.
10. Men should never wear wigs
you're bald? shave your head, fuck it, youre gonna get sunburned anyway right? so buy some aloe vera and sunblock, you wouldnt believe how soothing aloe vera is on burnt skin. But a toupee? seriously man thats just not right. unless you're in theatre. And PS if youre gay and or cross dressing, you wouldnt believe how jealous women are of mens hair, because my hair is full, it flows (see hockey pics) and its thick, most of theirs is not. Bizarre? I KNOW
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