Yeah i said it, how many of you have been to Stabucks? (pretend stares)
Come on don't be shy, this isn't going to be yet another one of my "COFFEE FLAVORED COFFEE" Leary induced rant. Or another one of those "man why the fuck would i pay 5.60 for a 4 ounce half cup of coffe with a gripload of whipped cream and it tastes like crap?"
So....How many of you have been? Can you tell me the last time you enjoyed paying so much for coffee? have you cut down on it? How many of you can live without it? I know i seldom and rarely ever not hear someone say "oh heck no i need my starbucks i can't live without it!"
Now take into consideration, this isn't going to be your typical "blog" i write, this is more of a rant and annoyed speech by me about coffee and starbucks. Why starbucks? After further conversation, it was a necessary evil rant.
Did you know QT's gasoline is pretty good? and did you know their Coffee is just as good a drink as the one you're giving your car? Did you know that Dunkies (dunkin donuts for those of you not schooled in certain things) Has probably the best black cup of coffee you'll have? or better yet other types of frapp/al/cap a chinos ever. yes i'm aware i said Chino and not ccino. (Nods to my mexis)
You know, growing up in the 90s i only ever saw Coffee Shops and Coffee Houses through TV. Not in person i grew up poor, what kid wants to buy coffee anyway when the green ranger has just been turned away from evil and the dragonzord is whuppin Rita's latest monster concoctions' asses?
So all in all what notion i got is what everyone got from the 90s, of coffee places, people reading/writting poetry, Berets, ugh really a fucking beret, thank you monica lewinski for ruining what special opps officers wore on a day off. Stupid Ankle warmer!
But i'm getting away from it, Central Perk, you remember that name right? F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
yeah i'll be there for you too. The way the sat around talked, and how snobby and high on their arches everyone around them were for buying coffee from there?
Its like a Trendsetter as Starbucks, the next evil according to everyone whos a purist about coffee, yeah in hockey we have "purists" you know, those guys who say "no no keep the game the same, dont eliminate the trap its part of hockey" Same ones who said about adding it. Starbucks now a days is considered the big evil, why do you ask? WHY WOULD I SAY SWEET TENDER STARBUCKS IS EVIL?
1... Last Year not 2010 i'm talking seasonal, 2009 christmas time, the whole "buy a starbucks drink now and we will donate 10 cents of your purchase to Haiti, or whatever country is apparently in need all the time" Really? 10 Cents from a $4 drink? WOW that'll really change the world. I remember signing up for a group boycotting Starbucks that winter and just going and donating the money you would have spent for a drink there to the charity of choice, i was broke back then and jobless and i can guarantee you i made lots of money that winter from my gloves and money went to charity.
2. The employees, Is starbucks really that amazing to work for? Sure you go in and you have some saying hello and all that awesome stuff with smiles. Yeah starbucks is only good to work for if you're a trendy little snobby fuck who thinks you do the world a chance by buyin from there, gone are the days of wearing berets and sipping lattes, now you have to wear skinny jeans and work at starbucks to be the "cool". I have never met a person in starbucks or seen one that isnt just a person buying coffee and instead sounding like a snotty asshole. Buying starbucks for your kids because you love it? What kind of asshole are you? You do realize coffee is bad for kids under 17 right?
But lets get back to the Employees, having the experience first hand of seeing how working at a coffehouse/restaurant and how the employees can have such a shit time. And seeing prior to that job how Starbucks management can treat their employers? It makes me sad, but hey happens at every place. Why is starbucks evil if every place is utter shit to the employees? Would you make your friend manager and let him ruin and abuse fellow employees for his fun and mettle with their private lives so you can make them suffer at work? Thats a bit excessive. Is it a bit excessive?
You let me know if it is, i know some drama queens like my brother and a few others are excessive like this but christ i'd hate working for them, i'd either jump off the building or throw them off. use them as a landing mat.
3. The Coffee, you didn't think i would make an article/blog about a coffee company without talking coffee right?
Right!
I had a few friends who worked for Starbucks, and i can't say everytime they gave me a free coffee that i enjoyed it, Probably the Caramel frapp or the Vanilla bean Caramel slushy, yeah i called it slushy cause it is! How is their plain black coffee? at 3.75 for a "small" I think the 99 cent cup from Dunkies is not just perfect but add some sugar and maybe a little cream to taste, and holy goodness, I kid you not, try it out, theres a dunkies in tempe, theres one in north phoenix off the 101, and one over by the hospital off the 101 and Thomas road, YUM! Sadly Starbucks coffee never did that for me
Back when i actually hardly ever ever went to a starbucks unless friends dragged me you know what i bought? You know? a freaking vanilla milk. How sad.
Remember in 2009 when coffee was 4.75 and wasn't a gallon? And Gasoline was? Retarded. Right? How many of you were moronic enough to go and get coffee that summer? Word has it this summer will reach those highs again, i look forward to seeing all the statuses bitching about how expensive gas is but you need starbucks that day.
I dated and now i'm marrying the girl who when i met her she wanted starbucks all the time, i think we made more stops at starbucks than....i dont know because we went everywhere too. And now? she'll buy it and half a cup later gets bored with it. She went from being the ultimate Starbucks fangirl to "hey a starbucks? in this place? why?"
I have a QT accross the street that tastes better to me and other people i know than starbucks, especially with the shit atttitudes of the employees who get treated like shit but tell everyone how much they love their job. Sorry you can't lie to me i know you and dont know you either.
Which Brings me to this last one.
4. The attitude it takes to be a starbucks employee to last there and to be a starbucks regular here in arizona from the experience i've had and seen. You have to have a shit one, why yes of course you have to be friendly, you have to smile and pretend you're happy to see the person coming in whos about to be the pickiest asshole and take up your time trying to choose coffee.
A. Skinny jeans? Check, gotta replace them with black slacks or dickies if youre on the employee side of the counter.
B. Bad attitude, you have to be snobby to be a true Starbucks employee, the ability to screw your employees over but everytime someone talks to you about a product you have to have a "god i should be somewhere else on this counter than to do you a favor and answer about our new "amaaaaazing" coffee" Or if you're the buyer you have to have the same attitude but returning it to the employee giving you the same shit. Match made in heaven sometimes. I know some Starbucks employees aren't all like that but you know a lot that are.
C. You have to learn all the Moves, and have to sound cool doing it, the way you waltz in and the way you order, nobody likes the guy who shows up and doesn't know what he's doing when ordering.
I'll end it prematurely so i dont stay up too late, but with these words.
Did you know in life we humans are known for taking shit from everyone and being screwed over? You can be cheated on, punched, have money stolen. But can willingly speak to some jackass behind a counter and make your order but if they as so far as make your coffee order wrong by not putting enough of that Cappuccino shot you spit it out "PFFFFT BARISTA!!!!! DOES THIS TASTE LIKE A DOUBLE CAPPUCCINO LATTE WITH SOY MILK GRANDE EXTRA WHIPPED AND A TOUCH OF CARAMEL TO YOU?"
Nobody gives a shit If it does most of the time and its your fault, next time just order coffee. and Fuck Croissants.
How to properly order yourself a Hot Female Drink
Now as far as A Starbucks of women then i'd sign up, i upgraded a few times and now i'm at the best order i ever got to take. I was giggly at the line with my turn, i originally went to the school coffee place and got a medium height, insecure, dark, bird nest for hat, extra jealous, whore. So my second chance well, it had to be great.
aaaaah omg omgomg ok ok ok.....ummm OH GOD SO MANY CHOICES!!!
Ummmm, i'll take a Smart Brunnete semi blonde, blue eyes.....extra tall (hey fuck you! i know i should have picked before hand but oh well), Nice butt, oh yeah that one make it extra firm! Give me some D's on her too! Sure i'll take C's if i have to! Don't mind that either. UMMMM AAAHHHH....oh! Italian! (pow) Medium Milkyness....oh throw some carnation milk in it! Make her lean, throw some blue eyes in there, OH OOH OH OH GLASSES!!!! (schwing!) No jealousy please! and uhhhh let me add the rest for taste. Thank you!!!
This is if russians or french women are not applicable.
And that folks is how you do it when you go to a coffee house, and not be a dick.
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