ON BEING A MAN:
"Don't be a wussy!"
ON MARRIAGE:
"Do you know why divorces cost so much...because it's worth it!"
ON TEACHING HIS KIDS:
5 year old Christopher: "I'm afraid of the dark."
Ken: "There's no reason to be afraid."
Ken turns off the lights and shuts the door, counts to three, burst into the dark room and shouts "Arrggghhhhhh!!!" He turns the lights back on.....
Ken says to Christopher: "See, there's no monster."
Christopher says: "Now I'm afraid of you, dad."
Ken says: "Well, that's healthy."
Then Ken turns out the lights and leaves...
ON FIGHTING IN SCHOOL:
"Always go for the eyes, and the best finger position for the hand is the “Eagle Claw”.
ON FEAR:
"You know that bedtime prayer, "If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!"
AS A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER:
Addressing an all-male audience: Gentlemen, you need to access your personal power. Look within you.
Now, say “dinner’s not ready?”…all together now…
Now, say "Get the hell out, bitch!"
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