Disclaimer- These Awards can only be given to the players who Play a minimum of 30 games to a full 82 Take in Mind, some switch many teams in a season like Bochenski has in years past but that’s not always. Most of these are made for humor and recognizing not just the Mediocre Players of the NHL, but those who are somewhat mediocre and still have skill.
And Now, for the 2nd anual Awards, here's your host, them Internetz=
-The Duke Lion Fightin' Stance Award:
Given to the player who registers the most fighting majors for the season. Other criteria for consideration include blood drawn, blood spilled, heads cracked, hands broken, and estimated number of opponents who may have shit their pants. He Will Basically try to fuck your shit up even if you don’t wanna fight.
--2011 Recipient: George Parros, the Stache takes it this year by a somewhat close by two fights total more than Konopka. So by numbers he wins, Parros is a tall cup of glass and a whole more stache than anyone else save for maybe Gillies’ fu Manchu. Parros already has a reputation for being a mild mannered forward who is just trying to make a living aside from his high education, but when rustled he will go to town on you. Fists to face.
--Honourable Mention: Zenon Konopka not just for his 25 fights and fiery attitude and his words to Lemieux, but because he leads with his face and repeats more than a pizza at 2 am. Third is Boll, who leads with his fists when he’s not concussed. Shame, his concussions have limited his play because he’s actually a skilled guy who should showcase it more.
-The Peter Sidorkiewicz Trophy:
Awarded annually to the most mediocre goaltender forced into regular duty, although he has no business playing every day.
--2011 Recipient: Peter Budaj, this guy has been a flop since he was the back up for Aesbischer, and Theodore, and the avalanche refuse to give up on him, instead of finding better talent in the pipeline and or free agency, but no, they refuse to learn.
--Honourable Mention: Jose Theodore, and Marty Turco.
-The Darcy Tucker Award:
Given to a player that registers a career-high in goals during a contract year in an effort to secure a big payday.
--2011 Recipient: Matt Moulson, This guy has actually earned it though, went from nothing to something all thanks to the magic of John Tavares and his passing skills, it goes to show the level of the guy and what he’s reaching, think of Moulson as Crosby’s first guy he was feeding, Andy Hilbert.
--Honourable Mention: Brad Richards, the biggest douche bag that could possibly be, has made it apparent he will be hitting the open market and instead of letting his team get something in return by “trading” his negotiating rights, he refuses, this is why no trade clauses should never come into play.
-The Steve Downie Trophy:
Awarded annually to the player judged to be the biggest piece of shit by both players and fans.
--2011 Recipient: Matt Cooke, do I seriously have to explain this piece of shit and his antics? His suspension for the rest of the season and first round of the playoffs says enough. His pleas that he will change is the equivalent of a wife beater telling his girl he has changed and two weeks later he is beating her ass too. Shameful. Tied with Him is Alex Burrows, do i really need to explain this guy? or shall we chew on something first to think it over?
--Honourable Mention: Trevor Gillies, I’m kind of a fan of his, he cracks me up with his fu Manchu and semi mediocre play, but its his cheap shit shots that he’s suddenly been doing not just to the penguins but other players that kind of make him an embarrassment to the game, is he a good fighter? Yes he is. Did I frown on his hit on Cal Clutterbuck? No, that was poetic Justice.
-The Harold Ballard Award:
Given to the executive that caused the most irreparable damage to his team by shortsighted transactions.
--2011 Recipient: The Teachers Pension that owns the Leafs, Since they took over years ago they did do a few things to get the franchise back to the playoffs but after the lockout they’ve done nothing but drive the franchise back into the hole the leafs struggled to get out of since the Awards naming forefather. So far the team will be under new ownership, coming soon since they announced they’ll be selling their share but until its done and a real one person owner takes over, it would be great to see the entire team build up and be prominent and not just “fans in suits on the lower seats” as we’ve seen in the few years
--Honourable Mention: The city of Glendale, I know, I know, they’re actually not the owners of the NHL, but their pending approval for any type of deal for a new owner is actually hindering the teams ability to build a reputable relationship with the fans again after a hindering lockout when the team was actually a seller and could fill at least more than half a section from the looks of it now a days. The fact that I actually remember seeing a more than half filled arena on a Thursday night game tells enough. Hurry the fuck up! If you cant help fix the problem then you’re also part of the problem.
-The Kevin Lowe Award
Awarded to the GM who best Exemplifies the ability to "throw a grenade at 30 other teams by doing something stupid with a contract or a trade"
--2011 Recipient: A Tie, between, Whoever the hell was the GM of the Panthers, and Don Waddell, neither can take their teams into the playoffs ever again, neither can take the talent in those teams and guide them to the next level, instead they just buried them, and in case of the ATL, they’re now the Winnipeg “Jets”.
--Honourable Mention: The Lisp, he has turned the Senators from a powerhouse he inherited from Mucks, to. …This.
-The Tom McVie Award:
Awarded annually to the coach that displays the most dysfunctional on-ice product.
--2011 Recipient: Tie Between Scott Gordon, and Cory Clouston, and whichever Sutter is now coaching the flames, how worse can you get when you have, young up and coming speedy skilled super talented players, and in other cases, such as Jarome Iginla and a few others and NOTHING. What a joke, thank god two of the three have been fired, I feel bad for flames fans until he goes too.
--Honourable Mention: Alain Vigneault and Bruce Boudreau, take two highly skilled, talented teams and what do you get? Top rankings in the conference, lots of goals scored. Throw them in the playoffs and you have two choke artists one with a coach who looks almost as bad as Claude Julien’s ugly ass face, beet red screaming fbombs and asking why some random shit happened. And the other one, a team that makes it to the finals after 16 years only to take a lead and drop it and have their city destroyed for the third and hopefully final time in the finals, a joke.
-The Todd Bertuzzi Trophy:
The Todd Bertuzzi trophy is given to a player that works the hardest to reinforce every ‘violence in hockey’ stereotype known. Usually awarded to the player with the most attempt to injure, attempted murders, and sucker punches. (Previous winners include Scott Walker, Todd Bertuzzi, and Marty McSorely.)
--2011 Recipient: Matt Cooke, again, for the second year in a row, he should get a new speech going, I think his “I have to change” speech was enough.
--Honourable Mention: Trevor Gillies for his stuff against the Penguins but Mike Haley can fill this one too.
-The Chris Chelios Award:
Pretty self explanatory, but given to the NHL’s oldest player. (There should be no surprise here, once again.)
--2011 Recipient: Dr. Mark Recchi, Rex not only has stuck around until he won the cup and decided to retire right there with the cup in his hands, but he also graduated as a doctor of Medicine as he was able to pin point the issues the Montreal doctors could not figure out with MaxPac’s neck and other injuries. What more can you ask for?
--Honorable Mentions: Nik Lidstrom, who has decided that coming back another year is certainly what he should do, I’m actually sick and tired of seeing him on the wings blueline, go away.
-The Mike Ricci Trophy:
Given to a player with the best mop on his head.
--2011 Recipient: Kris Letang, did you see his mop? This guy not only has flow, but he’s got Chris Simon 90s related Flow, damn near the most impressive. Ryan Jones Ties this guy though, because he's taller so he fights more gravity with those beautiful locks, straight hair for Letang= no knots. Curly baby locks for Jones=tangles with some great bounce. You have to appreciate that.
--Honourable Mention: George Parros, great flow, fantastic volume and color, no grays and he donates his hair to the cancer foundations to make wigs, how much more can you love this guy? What a guy! Another honourable mention is the All Hair Team of the Minnesota High School Hockey Tourney, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9NW6KB9C8Y
If you haven’t seen this then you know nothing about hockey hair.
-The 'Tart' Ross Trophy:
Given to the Player who plays a minimum of 30 games and his dubious scoring antics. Previous recipients include Matthew Spiller, Half the Coyotes team for since 2003.
--2011 Recipient: Kyle Chipchura, once believed to be a top power forward that the Canadiens wasted a complete first round draft pick instead of other players they could have drafted, and now can barely hold a spot in Anaheim, he’s a UFA I hear and from the looks of it, he will not be coming back. 40gp 0g 2a
--Honourable Mention: Vladimir Zharkov, just because of how awesome his name is. 38gp 2g 2a
-The Slack Adams Award:
Given to the coach who is basically a cancer to his team and bench.
--2011 Recipient: Brent Sutter, Yes I am aware his team isn’t the worst in the standings, but the guy can’t handle his own locker room, for a guide he can’t be the right solution for the problem they have, shame.
--Honourable Mention: Cory Clouston, nuff said as per before.
-The NOrris Trophy:
Given to the defenseman who is not just mediocre, but sucks plain out, and I don’t mean "Mike Green at Defense" Sucks, I mean he can’t hit the net or block a shot-sucks.
--2011 Recipient: Matt Smaby Takes this again for the second year in a row, 32gp 0g 0a 0p +/- of 2 Ironically this is a step back from last years stats for the poor guy.
--Honourable Mention: Brian Lee of the Ottawa Senators, supposed to be part of their future Defensive body and after 50 games barely squeaked past Smaby with 3 assists.
-The Lesswegetlessweseelessisbetterofyou Patrick Trophy:
Given to the person in hockey with the least outstanding service to the game, meaning you're basically in the news and its nothing positive because you’re an asshole or selfish prick.
--2011 Recipient: Colin Campbell, the leagues disciplinarian should have stepped down like the NHL has that “Secret Rule” when an official’s son is playing for a team they cannot have anything to do with their son’s team in discipline or calling scores. Granted nobody gave a shit about Florida so it didn’t matter but as a father and disciplinarian for the NHL he should have quit when Greg got in. Loved the Black and yellow tie he wore at the NHL awards, so obvious. Who’s the guy who called the discipline for the Bruins? Campbell’s right hand man, and best friend. There were many suspensions the bruins and Canucks should have gotten or the Bruins in any of their cup run or season, so it’s kind of a bullshit raw deal other teams got. No I’m aware I’m a Montreal fan but I’m talking other instances. The last suspension we saw worthy by the Bruins was that cheap shot Paille threw.
--Honourable Mention: Glen Sather, I’ve never seen a GM just sign and sign and sign and overpay players again and again to such extent that the team ends up losing out on possible futures, lately the rangers have been rebuilding from indoors but their signings are really hampering them no matter what.
-Too Much Plus/Minus Award:
Given to the player with the worst +/- possible:
--2011 Recipient: Normally this should go Straight to Chris Phillips for his -35 but that’s too easy with such a mediocre Senators team this season reminiscent of the early years. But the guy that really REALLY DESERVES THIS IS…Ilya Kovalchuk. That’s right I said it! The Top paid player with his retarded ass long contract, here’s the guy whose supposed to be one of the most impact players in the NHL Sure did prove his contract was worth it and the loss of draft picks with such amazing stats as 81gp 31g(he gets paid top dollars for this one to be higher) 29a -26
--Honourable Mention I would love to give this to Ed Jovanovski but he wasn’t low enough on the list, so I’m going to go to my favorite Mexican, top Mexi player. Favorite player since I heard his name. You know how it is. Scott Gomez, Do you have any idea how much he earns a year for 4 more years? 7 Million, yeah, you read it right; you can thank fucking Glen Sather. His stats? 80gp 7g 31a 28pts -15, you saw it right, that’s a million dollars a goal! I’m ok knowing that he’s a playmaker meaning he should reach 18-27 goals maybe but get at least 50-60 assists a la Marc Savard or his 05-06 season feeding Gionta and Elias for 51 assists and potting 33 goals. Or shit, 16 goals and 54 points on his second to last year with the Rangers, This past season he went 33 games without a goal a huge bounce back year is really needed by him, or even I will disown him as a Mexican.
-The Silver Bullet Award:
Given to the player with the worst goal output possible for someone who once had so much potential, kind of like Nic Antroslob used to for the leafs for almost ten years before starting to actually play two years ago. Excluded from being listed are players whose seasons ended from injury.
--2011 Recipient: Last year we gave this to D’Agostini and his stats improved he potted 21 goals and 46 points, But this year its going to be a tie for Both Radim “the vibrtr” Vrbata and Lee “Stumpy” Stempniak. Top contracts, entry level contract goal output, certainly not something Phoenix needs to waste so much cash on them for, not only is a huge bounce back needed by them, especially like Vrbata's season before leaving to Europe getting so many goals he needs to pick it up, Stempniak played more games and got 10 less points same amount of goals (19) They need to step up so phoenix doesn’t sink lower than they need to be.
--Honourable Mention: Antoine Vermette, probably one of my favorite players in the senators at one point, I stopped paying attention to him since I hate Columbus so much, so much, that I stopped giving a shit about the poor guy. He’s fast, very good at faceoffs and smooth with the puck, good checker, and great hands with the puck and sweet passing, but this year he obviously didn’t showcase that this year with 81gp 19g 28a but he did break even on the +/- at 0. Also see Matt Stajan.
-The Credit Union Award:
To the NHL player not voted fan favorite for his irrelevance to the league and team itself:
--2011 Recipient: By two votes, Colin Fraser wins; this is the guy the oilers “gave up” to bring Ryan Smyth home. 67gp 3g 2a 5pts extremely mediocre for a third line centre. Brett Lebda also takes a notion in this just because of how terrible he is, and to quote Doug’s gramps, “he is about as useless as a fishing pole in a desert”
--Honourable Mention: Jon Ericcson, Ed Jovanovski and Mike Modano have tied for this one, top flight players in the last few decades and this year they just like the last few years have decided to sign big contracts or leave the teams of success and have stumbled all around the ice. It’s kind of sad Modanos homecoming to Detroit was bad, he should have quit as a star or signed with the wild. Jovanovski, well he’s just plain bad, thank the lord his contract is up. As for Jon, think turnover hero for every other team, the less effective replacement for Lilja, and that says something.
-The Steve McKenna Award:
Given to the worst captain in the League currently. Has to wear the C on his chest a minimum of 30 games barred from Injury, his support in play and lack of anything counts.
--2011 Recipient: Shawn Horcoff, for the guy who’s the captain and trusted player to lead the rebuilding young oilers into futures, but he decided to…not. 47gp 9g 18a -1. Up next tied to him is of Course Chris Drury, sad to say but the super talented guy has become a shell of his former self and is poised to now be bought out. SO MUCH, for glory.
--Honourable Mention: Mike Richards, once the core center of the Flyers. Went from being the future core front and leader of the Flyers for the next 10 years to being sold off after a few years, especially all of his locker room antics that have basically made him expendable to sign a overrated goalie for such a long fucked up contract. Dece numbers 81gp 23g 43a +/-11, but not too great character. At least he won’t have to see Subban often this year.
The Tyson Nash for Captain Award:
Given to the player who wore the "A" for his team as assistant captain for at least 30 games barring injury, has to suck and for some reason stupid nasty ugly pucksluts think he'd make a better leader than the current leader on a mediocre team.
--2011 Recipient: Ed Jovanovski, the fact that he had the C put on his chest while Doan was injured/suspended this past season goes to show just because you get paid big bucks doesn’t mean you’re top captain material or even a scorer. Terribly mediocre, and very overpaid.
--Honourable Mention: Craig Rivet, this guy has no business even wearing a C, he would have won the award, that Shawn Horcoff took home tonight, but this guy is a top six pairing dman, but I’m talking second or third line pairing. Gets embarrassed often, he just isn’t the defenseman he once was in Montreal, you know, the guy who constantly fought and got bloodied up by smaller guys, and only got around by playing clutch and grab and hit and throw yourself in front of the puck, think a less mobile Rhett Warrener. Think a smaller and actually slower Hal gill, yep I went there. The best thing buffaslug did was trade him. I wont post his stats because of how bad he was,
-The Holyfield Award
Given to the player who best exemplifies the "GOD DAMN" Effect on everyone, with a one-punch knockout of a bitch player. Previous recipients include that fatbastard Boogaard for his punch on the small Fedoruk, and Colton Orr for his punch on Fedoruk, Tahir Domi for his Punch on Ulf Faguelsson, and Keith Primeau for his punch on that horrible player named Jovanovski. If I was alive 60 years ago, Maurice Richard for his punch on that retard from the rangers who recently was played by Sean Avery in the movie, which was great to see Avery knocked out twice. And Matt Walker for knocking the fuck out of Jovanovski that had me saying "YES I HOPE IT ENDED HIS CAREER LIKE BEUKEBOOM" but it didn’t
--2011 Recipient: Derek Engelland, this guy busted Colton Orr’s face almost as awesomely as Orr did to fedoruk. Orr dominated the start of the fight but Derek hung in there until he got his footing in and finally was able to throw in a good haymaker and just destroyed him. Tied with him is Johnson vs. DP, not only did Johnson knock out DP who was laughing and being a moron in a fight being cocky and not taking the fight seriously but had to learn by having a concussion and his cheek broken and had to wear an Osgood mask but hey he looked better in it.
--Honourable Mention: John Scott, laying down the bloody law on Kevin Westgarth, give it to Kevin he hung in there while donating blood to his jersey, glass, ice, and John’s hands. That is only a testament that he’s more than willing to be in the fight but not that he’s able to do something in that fight. Fourth place is going to MacIntyre and Ivanans, a fight that started out slowly and developed to kind of boring scrapping, but MacAttack decided enough was enough and ended up Raitis’ season...possibly his career.
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