These Awards can only be given to the players who Play a minimum of 30 games to a full 82 Take in Mind, some switch many teams in a season like Reid Boucher just this season...
The Duke Lion Fightin' Stance Award:
Given to the player who registers the most fighting majors for the season. Other criteria for consideration include blood drawn, blood spilled, heads cracked, hands broken, and estimated number of opponents who may have shit their pants. He Will Basically try to fuck your shit up even if you don’t wanna fight.
2017 Recipient: Cody Mcleod, On a surprising note, the Binscarth, Manitoba native had a pretty good fighting major season and tops the NHL at 19. Fighting has been kind of a lost art that is fading as time goes. Gone are the days of the fighting specific player. Today’s game is no longer for the goons, but mostly for the penalty killer, the grinder, and the guys who provide depth and energy to their club and if needed, a good fight to set the tone of the game. At 9 wins, 3 Losses, 5 draws, McLeod took his punches and handed out more.
Honorable Mention: Micheal Haley, although at 16 fights, and less wins, Haley did his job as an aggressive grinder who comfortably took on anyone who tried messing with his team mates. I can’t help but say that his fights at times felt like he was trying to settle a personal score instead of help his team. Andy Murray once said “You have to look at the fight, and what story it tells, is it helping the team? Or is the guy fighting hurting your team?”
The Peter Sidorkiewicz Trophy:
Awarded annually to the most mediocre goaltender forced into regular duty, although he has no business playing every day.
2017 Recipient: Calvin Pickard, at some point you want to just print out the meme from the Simpsons “Stop, Stooop, he’s already dead” but then you realize you don’t want it to stop because Avalanche fans used to be so cocky about the team that spoiled them with Roy in net.
Welcome to the new Era, where your starter is an oft injured wife beater (Patrick Roy’s perfect replacement) and your backup is suddenly the season starter and plays 50 games, loses 31 and wins 15. I would further bash Cal, but then you realize he plays for a team that is horse shit.
Honorable Mention: Speaking of Horse Shit, you know my love for Mike Smith is undying, by love I mean hatred, pure pure hatred. Mike smith is a diving, whining, prima donna, with a 19-26-8 record, it’s worth mentioning that this is by far is best season since the Defensive machine of 2012 that made life a breeze for him. As usual when the team struggles he goes down with “injury” and disappears. As usual per game it’s a mandatory 5 goal game for the coyotes to even have a chance at winning, and he makes sure of this by heading to the corner and playing the puck dead center into opposing players tape for empty net goals. Fucking Pheasant.
The Darcy Tucker Award:
Given to a player that registers a career-high in goals during a contract year in effort to secure a big payday.
2017 Recipient: Patrick Eaves. Need I say more? Although Eaves is a personal favorite, I always saw him as a solid depth player who has more speed to burn than guys have skill, his stats have always been down. His career goals year was 2005-06 at 20 Goals, 9 assists for the senators but prorated with the AHL numbers you’re looking at 25G, 42pts. Fast forward to 2017 and he suddenly has 32G, 51pts?
Oh, right contract year, being the cheapest 32 goal scorer the league has, he’s looking at a decent payday that I’m sure teams might regret.
Honorable Mention: Martin Hanzal, you might see a trend of Arizona players on this list, bear with me. Having career constant low scoring numbers while getting first line minutes makes most people tilt their heads. Yes the coyotes suck, this is established, but when you realize you might be getting traded and suddenly going on a tear after the half year mark and telling reporters who asked “has something changed that is making you score so much suddenly?” and you answer with ‘Just playing for my future’
That’s some ultimate Darcy Tucker Award if there ever was one. But giving him something to win would be a disservice, here’s to the Wild making it to the second round so their draft pick is a higher round for Arizona. But here’s to the wild not winning the cup, can’t think of a less deserving player.
The Steve Downie Trophy:
Awarded annually to the player judged to be the biggest piece of shit by both players and fans.
2017 Recipient: Brad Marchand, Ken Linseman was called “The Rat” in reality the real moniker of it in true fashion was Matthew Barnaby, but Talented Cheap Piece of Shit goes to Marchand. It’s amazing to see a player with such a high intensity play to move the puck, pass, get the puck back and score can turn around and spear guys in the cup, go knee on knee with you, and sucker you when you’re not looking. I get it, you’re 4’7” and need to make room for yourself. But you’re putting your team behind on penalty killing time more often than not. Not to take away from his skill, he’s an amazing talented individual with a shot like no other. But that’s not going to make me ignore the piece of shit he is.
Honorable mention: Alexei Emelin, sure there could have been better picks. Like Andrew Shaw, or Milan Lucic. But let’s take a moment and appreciate why Emelin is such a piece of shit. Emelin likes to hit low, often, and has metal plates and screws on the side of his face for a reason. The reason is he’s a piece of shit. Before this current NHL if you were throwing low bridge submarine hits, nearly going knee on knee, someone was coming for you. It’s still a thing to do, but he quickly hides behind a referee and asks “what, what’d I do?”
If you have to ask, you already messed up.
The Harold Ballard Award:
Given to the executive that caused the most irreparable damage to his team by shortsighted transactions. Previous Winners have been Wayne Gretzky, and Peter Karmanos.
2017 Recipient: Francesco Aquilini, I wouldn’t say he’s done irreparable damage to his team, but throwing money around, refusing to allow your management the ability to properly and quickly rebuild the team and having them sign aging veterans that did not make a difference to this team in its quick decline, IS damaging. It did set the team back, and keeping the aging Sedin’s past their high market value that could have attained good returns, is just plain sad. For them and for the team. It’s almost as if they’re the worst team in the league.
Honorable mention: OH WAIT, there’s the Colorado Avalanche. A once powerful team that people expected deep playoff runs out of them, now expect a good high first or second overall draft pick in possibly one of the weakest drafts possible.
“Who Oon da team?”
That would-be Wal Mart heir Josh Kroenke, it’s bad enough Wal Mart is going to be your owner, but being treated like trash that wal mart treats their customers and employees, well it says enough. Kroenke hired Joe Sakic, (more on him later) and the rest is history, the worst season in history since the Atlanta Thrashers (throwback name). On the Bright side, he has come to his senses and did not allow joe Sakic to trade any important pieces this trade deadline.
The Kevin Lowe Award:
Awarded to the GM who best Exemplifies the ability to "throw a grenade at 30 other teams by doing something stupid with a contract or a trade"
2017 Recipient: Joe Sakic. One of the GOAT’s as a player is the complete opposite as a general manager. Like Gretzky as a coach, Sakic proves to the everyday man that a profession sports player, will not always become a good manager or coach. Boy howdy, is he ever a bad one. It got to the point that people even began to question “Maybe Patrick Roy leaving the team was actually not about Roy but Sakic being the problem?”
The Correct answer was Both, but it speaks volumes that your ownership tells you to sit down, shut up and not trade anyone until they basically Choose your replacement this summer. That’s how bad you are at your job.
Honorable Mention: Jim Benning, signing veteran players for a team that should be headed into a rebuild? Check
Missing the playoffs and completely Out Tanking even the Coyotes? Check
Wasting a year of the Sedins by keeping them instead of at least trading them and getting value in return? Check
But hey who am I to mock them, I don’t work for an NHL team….
The Tom McVie Award:
Awarded annually to the coach that displays the most dysfunctional on-ice product.
2017 Recipient: Dave Tippett. Name ONE NHL coach that has been able to keep his job and miss the playoffs for 5 straight seasons? I can wait.
You cannot. Now Coyotes fans will find any reason to give you why its ok “he’s a great coach, he once was a runner up for the Jack Adams”
“He took us to the conference finals”
“His system is outdated but he’s great”
“give me five good coaches who are good enough and will work willingly with youth and develop them”
Once you give that dumbfuck five solid coaches available right now, they’ll revert to calling you irrelevant. That’s one thing about coyotes fans, they don’t see the problem, unless they mean you for questioning and having expectations.
Not once have we ever seen a team lose 8 straight consistently and not make a single change in the lineup, or lines. Not since Tom McVie actually.
Mediocre starting goalie? Check, start him every game no matter what
Youth? Check, scratched.
Take away veteran players to force him to play youth? Check, still getting benched.
The same reasons Dallas fired him, are the same reasons the Coyotes will not fire him.
Shit roster? Check, that’s a perfect excuse.
It is our belief that Tippett has incriminating photos of Anthony leblanc or Gary Bettman and that’s why they won’t fire him. Out of fear.
Since this writing, Dave Tippett has been forced to quit and accept a severance package of 3 million dollars. It’s still way too much but it’s worth having him be away from any team in the NHL with his “losing is ok” attitude. So long, Goodbye, you will not be missed!
The Todd Bertuzzi Trophy:
The Todd Bertuzzi trophy is given to a player that works the hardest to reinforce every ‘violence in hockey’ stereotype known. Usually awarded to the player with the most attempt to injures, attempted murders, and sucker punches. (Previous winners include Scott Walker, Todd Bertuzzi, and Marty McSorely.)
2017 Recipient: Brad Marchand, it’s not every day you can get a player twice on a list. But here we are, breaking records eh? Brad Marchand will sucker punch you after spearing you in the nuts as quickly as he is to fire a snapper over the shoulder and go bar down with 3 minutes left in a tie game. Is he a piece of shit? Absolutely, but is he a talented piece of shit? CORRECT.
Honorable Mention: Micheal Haley. It’s been a while since we saw a player get reprimanded by his own peers for throwing a cheap shot. Enter Micheal Haley, twas a long twilight ago when the Nashville Predators hosted the San Jose Sharks.
Imagine the scene, Haley, face to the boards, a young enthusiastic Calle Jarnkrok (say that ten times while drunk…challenge accepted) hits Haley from behind into the boards. Your first thought is “uh oh, hope he’s ok…. oh, wait there he goes, wow a scrum is starting, where’s Haley? Oh there he is, oh he’s pissed…OH SNAP HE JUST PUNCHED WHATS HIS FUCKED UP NAME IN THE MOUTH AND DROPPED HIM”
Ironically Haley is the one who was suspended. Haley was suspended for one game, no biggie.
The Chris Chelios Award:
Self-explanatory, but given to the NHL’s oldest player.
2017 Recipient: Jaromir Jagr, The Mullet, aka Jagr is God, aka GOAT, Man of Many, and yet so few. Jagr has defied father time. In a season where Florida was a cluster, he decided this was probably his last season and just kept scoring. 46 points by a guy who’s one year shy of that total. AND HE PLAYED ALL 82 GAMES!!!!
To still be a factor in games, don’t let that point total fool you, he’s only here by age default, He aint no Brett Hull who suited up as an old man with phoenix and went home crying after 7 games of fourth line minutes because he was so awful and drunk.
Honorable Mention: Shane Doan. Age 40. And has he slowed down this season. It’s unfortunate after coming off a good resurgence in his play, it feels like Doan hit rock bottom along with the team he leads. You could tell his frustration, and you could tell his anger with this team’s management. Doan originally signed with the Coyotes for a three year extension on a baseless lie that they would try and compete. And Compete they did, in NHL07 by acquiring Pavel Datsyuk’s contract while he fucked off back to Russia, Chris Prongers contract while he was hired by the NHL. Acquiring Dave Bolland and telling him to go home and hide in a padded room with the lights dimmed down. Essentially the Coyotes got their Top flight Center and Big Defender. If they wanted to build around them in 2007. Poor guy, should have asked for a trade and chase that cup. Loyalty can only win you so much, all 30 wins, and a solid 42 losses again. Since this writing, Doan has been let go by the only team he has ever known. Now a free agent, he can do what we all have begged him to do for five years, leave the Coyotes and go to a real contender and try to win a cup.
The Mike Ricci Trophy:
Given to a player with the best mop on his head.
2017 Recipient: Ryan White, Have you not been paying attention? The goofy former Montreal Draft pick who went to Philly and then Arizona before going to Minnesota to chase the dream is not just a high energy very feisty player, but a true Pantene Pro. The Flow oozing out paired with his aggressive play is sure to land him an Alberto V05 contract soon enough.
Honorable Mention: Mats Zuccarello. Have you seen that flow coming out of his bucket? Nuff said. Another Pantene Pro Starting Line Up.
The 'Tart' Ross Trophy:
Given to the Player who plays a minimum of 30 games and his dubious scoring antics. Previous recipients include Matthew Spiller, Half the Coyotes team since 2003.
2017 Recipient: Normally I don’t do this, but The Colorado Avalanche of 2016-17 Take the Winner, and the runner up is also the Colorado Avalanche. In a flurry of suck, they not only sucked, but swallowed.
Dis-Honorable Runner-Runner Up: Andrew Desjardins 46GP, 1 Assist -6
The Slack Adams Award:
Given to the coach who is basically a cancer to his team and bench.
2017 Recipient: Michel Therrien, fortunately for Montreal and the fans, he was fired. A coach who shows now heart, his drinking buddy is the GM which kept his job secure, and instead of properly inserting talent with the correct players they can grow. He would quickly split the lines immediately after a game they had success on. “We lose, time to change the lines. We won, time to change the lines and add Davey into the top line again” his obsession with David Desharnais was too well documented.
Dis- Honorable Mention: As much as I’d love to throw Dave Tippett under the bus, I’ll have to do it to Dan Bylsma. Here we have a rare case of a coach being hired by a powerhouse team that is on cruise control and doesn’t need a coach, just a monkey in a suit to stand around. Collect his cup, and not mess with the team. Imagine to the dismay of BuffaLoL fans that he was hired to begin their rebuild and has finished no higher than 7th in his first year with the, and 8th this season. All meanwhile fighting with his goalie, and his star forward Jack Eichel.
The NOrris Trophy:
Given to the defenseman who is not just mediocre, but sucks plain out, and i dont mean "Mike Green at Defense" Sucks, i mean he can’t hit the net or block a shot-sucks.
2017 Recipient: Coming in at a whopping 73 frustratingly games played, 2G-16A and a -5. Andrew Macdonald of the Flyers will take this bitter cake. Ask any Flyer’s fan who they think is the worst piece of the Flyers D core. If there’s two, grab a bag of corn, because they’re going to go nuts arguing between MacDonald and Nick Schultz. But when you have two guys who are walking bad habit examples for the youth, you might have a problem.
The Lesswegetlessweseelessisbetterofyou Patrick Trophy:
Given to the person in hockey with the least outstanding service to the game, meaning you're basically in the news and its nothing positive because you’re an asshole or selfish prick.
2017 Recipient: I get it, you’re probably thinking its Terry Pegula, with his constant impatient and changes to the Sabres. AGAIN. But it’s not. I’m taking a full stab at the Elephant in the Room. That’s right. The NHL Player Safety has not just drawn the ire of the players themselves, but the fans and the media for the joke that they have been. Not suspending a player for slashing someone to the point their finger detached? Same Player spearing a guy in the cup? First, in any male sport it’s an unwritten rule, you don’t go for the balls. EVER. It’s chicken shit, its garbage, and you’re garbage for doing so. Not only have we seen this happen multiple times, but we’ve seen stars do it repeatedly as well. What does player safety do? Fine them 2500 dollars. Chump change for them. Or a used car, or a really nice bed, or a really nice apartment for a month. Fantastic. Player Safety has been a joke since the old days, and now it’s still just as dumb, except they can make YouTube videos to justify their hilarious logic.
Put the bong water down boys. Can’t have you smoking that much beer.
Too Much Plus/Minus Award:
Given to the player with the worst +/- possible:
2017 Recipient: It’s too easy to give it to Colorado Avalanche players, Matt Duchene and Tyson Barrie tied for -34. So let’s get creative, yeah?
Damon Severson -31. I know, he plays Defense, and normally defensemen have a bad +/- but Severson had a sizeable disadvantage over the next two defensemen stuck at the bottom of the suck. Dmitry Kulikov from Buffalo was a staggering -26, if you can do math, that’s 5 worse than the next guy who plays defense. Severson had some advantage to even it out as he played 80 games compared to Kulikov’s 47. But Kulikov does play for Buffalol, so I’ll forgive him there. Then again New Jersey wasn’t great either.
Honorable Mention: Riley Sheahan -29 80GP. Whew, it’s been a different year this season. We’re seeing new things happen we didn’t think we’d be so lucky to finally see in a long time. From Detroit’s long awaited playoff streak finally breaking and Detroit fans no longer being able to say “well we got bounced in the first round but hey, at least the streak is alive right”. To seeing Colorado become a bigger joke than we thought they could ever be. It amazes me they even kept their coaching staff and GM. But let’s focus here. Detroit missed the playoffs, their fans can go home quietly and it’s always a fun day seeing them pipe down. Goodnight!
The Silver Bullet Award:
Given to the player with the worst goal output possible for someone who once had so much potential. *Excluded from being listed are players who’s seasons ended from injury.
2017 Recipient: Alexander Steen, What a weird change up for Steen this year. Sure, he got 51 points which is still good enough, if your stats sit at 16G 35A 51Pts. However this is the Same Alex Steen we saw hit 33 goals, a career high and his potential he was drafted so highly by Toronto years back, a high everyone thought “finally, holy crap look at him go!”
So what does he do the next year? Build off that? Close, he gets 24 goals and 64 points which is more points than the previous year, but his stats have steadily declined in goals, with 17 and 16. His assists have been a saving grace meaning his still a great playmaker that he is, but somehow for whatever reason his scoring touch has gone down, and it’s unfortunate. Hes got a great shot, hopefully next year is different.
The Credit Union Award:
To the NHL player not voted fan favorite for his irrelevance to the league and team itself:
2017 Recipient: Joe Colborne, I had many players to ponder about this one, From Micheal Haley, to Derek Mackenzie, to Chris Neil (scroll past this if you want to read his first) But the biggest CU winner is Colborne. Once a highly touted prospect and player for the Calgary Flames, he somehow chose to dump what made him successful in Calgary and opted to become a free agent. Choosing to go live in Colorado, where Denver was in the process of everything going wrong… Colborne made an instant impact in his Avalanche debut, recording his first career NHL hat-trick, in a 6-5 victory…he wouldn’t score another goal until much later in the season. Playing 62 games, 4 goals, 4 assists, 5 million dollars. Open that door and let that Sink right on in.
Honorable Mention: Chris Neil, yes, he’s respected, but yes, he’s also kind of a piece of crap. He’s part of the dying breed of an enforcer, he sends the message but most stars can send their own message now or have a relevant enough supporting cast to send a message while contributing. You know it takes a huge downturn in your career when you go from playing 75+ games to 53 and just 2 playoff games, one which you were booted from, minutes in. It’s hard to expect anything out of him besides sand paper and a couple sucker punches. But is it asking too much to maybe try and contribute? He hasn’t had over 10 goals in 5 years! I can’t name a guy who’s more irrelevant to the game than this throwback to a time that has been phased out. You can’t have guys who can only bring sandpaper and not contribute. It just doesn’t work like that anymore.
The Steve McKenna Award:
Given to the worst captain in the League currently. Player must wear the C on his chest a minimum of 30 games barred from Injury, his support in play and lack of anything counts.
2017 Recipient: I’m having a hard time choosing one for this list. I have four solid choices. The easy one would be Gabriel Landeskog, but Colorado had such an awful season that I decided to spare him, I mean 33 points is still decent in a team that might as well have gone 0-82.
I’m going to go with Maximillian Kolenda Pacioretty, Yup, I went there. Is he a good scoring player? Yes, he’s a great sniper and has consistently scored over 30 goals a season and if you included the prorated lockout half season in 2012-13 he would have been on pace for another 35 goals too. He’s been a “30+ goal scorer” since 2011-12. He’s got one of the best natural shooting styles in the league, decent speed, and a very good passer since he matches almost all his goals with nearly the same number of assists. But one thing he lacks is leadership. Forcing your team to cater to you instead of the good of the team is NOT a captain move. Nobody should have to walk on eggshells for someone who has a soft ego. If the rumor was correct which sounded like it was, conspiring with your garbage coach who’s now been fired into forcing management to trade one of the better defensemen in the league out of sheer pettiness is just sad and kind of pathetic. Are there better suitors for the fabled C of the CH? Absolutely! Will it be exchanged? Probably not.
Pacioretty is a Guy Lafleur type, he simply cannot handle the weight of a captain C on his chest and it should be moved so he can go back to playing pressure free on his way to his true potential.
Honorable Mention: Derek MacKenzie, being high on character but nothing to back it up doesn’t always make you a worthy captain. Maybe an alternate. Derek MacKenzie has been one of the biggest statistic anomalies in the NHL as far as leaders go. Scoring less than most defensemen and he’s a forward. He is a decent penalty killer, and solid on faceoffs, however his production promptly drops off after those stats. In a full 82 game season, he mustered 6 goals and 10 assists, good for a 4th liner. There are much better players on the young Panthers’ team who can become captain and lead in the locker room and on the stat sheet by example. That person will come along, most likely in the name of Aaron Ekblad.
The Holyfield Award
Given to the player who best exemplifies the "GOD DAMN" Effect on everyone, with a one punch knockout of a player. Previous recipients include that Boogaard for his punch on the small Fedoruk, and Colton Orr for his punch on Fedoruk, Tie Domi for his Punch on Ulf Samuelsson.
2017 Recipient: Lest we forget Max Domi KNOCKING OUT Ryan Kesler with one punch. If you haven’t seen this fight, please, do yourself a favor and find it. There were some real dandies this year. But this one, between two star players, was easily one top notch fight. We didn’t have two guys slugging it out for a minute, but it was quick, efficient, and reminded the world the name Domi isn’t just for scoring now, it stands for intensity and the ability to still fight if needed. Not that many of us needed reminding. Ryan Kesler found out. He learned.
Honorable Mention: This fight did not have a knockout and didn’t need one. But don’t discount the energy that Sam Bennett vs Jacob Trouba had. This is a fight, THIS was a fight, boys and girls!
Look it up, this had everything, Blood, punches thrown with zero attempts at defense, just straight up swinging for the fences. Two good guys, taking care of business and nobody got hurt, just a little bit of blood. Both came back to finish their games after a couple stitches. I haven’t been this excited about watching two star players fight in a long while until this happened, and boy were they unloading on each other.