Feel free to add your own if you like, you will receive credit.
300: Gays kill blacks.
8 MILE: White man successfully copies black culture to impress other whites and blacks.
A CRY IN THE DARK: Dogs eat baby, confusion follows.
ALIEN: Ship fails to deliver cargo, crew don’t get bonus.
ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
ALMOST HEROES: Chandler hires Farley to guide him to the west coast, then decide to hit up Canada
ALPHA DOG: stoner shits on drug dealers carpet, brother kidnapped loses virginity to two hot chicks and killed next day, and Justin Timberlake goes to jail.
AMADEUS: Man with health problems receives help from rival.
AMERICAN PSYCHO: 80s yuppie goes on murder streak, no one believes him because he’s such a pussy.
AMERICAN HISTORY X: White supremacist enjoys teaching other people manners via curbs. Goes to jail and repents after being raped.
AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON: Tourist causes riot.
ANCHORMAN: Someone kills a guy with a trident; dog gets thrown over bridge over a burrito, and saves man and woman from bear.
ANIMAL HOUSE: Teaches you to drink hard, heavy and lots of amounts of booze, makes you look forward to college. Why aren’t you watching it?
AVIATOR: guy with OCD revolutionizes planes, puts own shit in jars after girl breaks his heart.
BASEKETBALL: “Shut Up Bitch!”
‘GOD DAMN IT MAN STOP FUCKING RAGGIN ON ME’
“stupid bitch”
‘I swear you guys rag on me 13 or 14 more times I’m out of here....well at least i'm on the team’
‘GOD DAMN IT MAN STOP FUCKING RAGGIN ON ME’
“stupid bitch”
‘I swear you guys rag on me 13 or 14 more times I’m out of here....well at least i'm on the team’
BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill, proceeds to cock block himself from hot woman he loves, over and over and over.
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Peasant girl develops Stockholm syndrome.
BECKER: narcissistic doctor tells patients to screw off, just wants food from diner, doesn’t think hot secretary is hot enough to bang.
BEING JOHN MALKOVICH: Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich…. Malkovich!!! Malkovich
BE KIND, REWIND: Neighborhood idiot can’t sing Ghostbusters theme.
BENJI: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
THE BIG LEBOWSKI: Someone pisses on a loser bowlers carpet, must get revenge, they have In n Out burger, gay Germans get bowling ball to his balls, meets gnarly red head gets her pregnant.
BILLY ELLIOT: England is in Shambles; hard working guy has a boy who wants to dance, even if everyone looks at his pants.
BIO DOME: “I’M A SHERMAN TANK”
BLACK DEATH: Catholics try to punish and convert locals for not being religious, but plans to forcefully convert people backfire on them. Take that Catholic Church.
BLADES OF GLORY: Washed out still in 80s debauchery mentality figure skater clashes with retard who dances for Mexican in high school a few years ago. Both win gold medal.
BLOOD: THE LAST VAMPIRE= Girl encounters vampire assassin, flirt, then help each other in killing their teacher.
BLUES BROTHERS: two brothers go on a mission from god to get the band back together, play music, and save the church a penguin lives in, lots of driving involved, something about catching a Katy.
BLUES BROTHERS 2000: Band leader gets out of jail, reunites band, kidnaps kid, possesses police officer into joining the band, John Goodman gets over stage fright.
BOLT: Estranged dog is lied to, goes cross country to find out he’s replaced, makes a cat friend, pigeons say 'Ridonculous'
BOOGIE NIGHTS: Deformed boy goaded into life of crime.
BOURNE IDENTITY: Guy gets amnesia, beats the shit out of people with hands, pens and feet, meets hot girl, drives mini cooper.
BOURNE SUPREMACY: Girl Dies, he gets revenge, beats up more guys.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB: Saturday detention jackasses figure out they know each other somehow, nice girl fucks bad boy, virgin boy stays alone as usual, jock gets quiet psycho girl who’s hot.
BREAKING DAWN: Native American guy is romantically obsessed with ex-girlfriend’s baby.
BRIDESMAIDS: SNL cast attempts to copy all the recent successful films of awkward humor into a wedding movie. Not much hilarity ensues; woman in her mid thirties comes of age.
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Teenage serial killer destroys town in fit of semi-religious fervor.
CAMILLE: Guy gets stuck marrying chick he doesn’t want.
CASTAWAY: Mailman takes his job too seriously, Wilson, his best friend drowns, so much for loyalty.
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY: Deranged pedophile big-business industrialist tortures and mutilates young children.
CHASING AMY: Homosexuality proved to be passing fancy and sign of sexual deviance.
CHEERS: Alcoholic cuts lime in bar as penance for his womanizing ways.
CHINATOWN: Father desires closer relationship with his children.
CHRISTMAS VACATION: Incestuous relatives teach family the meaning of Christmas.
CLERKS: Aimless loser remains in dead-end job, abusive “friendship.”
CLERKS II: Aimless loser finally gets someone that wants his dumbass, decides to cheat and stay with a much hotter girl, abusive friend fesses up gay love for him, go to jail and proceed to go back to old loser ass job.
CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS: Scientist learns to feed the homeless without a cost. City gets fat, homeless disappear.
COBRA: Cop breaks rules to successfully harass gangs, and then destroys his favorite car.
CONAN THE BARBARIAN: Petty thief murders religious leader.
CORALINE: Misfit discovers she is special person in a secret world just beside our own, more young emos ensue with wet dreams, suddenly they want nightmare before Christmas sequel.
CRANK: Drug addict spends last day in orgy of rape and violence.
CRASH: shit happens to everyone, somehow everything is involved, and it’s a small world after all. Small world.
THE CRAZIES: Small town has trouble adjusting to drugs.
CUJO: Family neglects to give family pet rabies shots, pays price.
CURIOUS GEORGE: Guy who loves wearing yellow takes in monkey. This causes a few mishaps.
DAREDEVIL: Blind man pisses off crime boss, gets all his friends and girlfriend killed.
DAYBREAKERS: Everyone’s obsession to become vampires comes true, and then the world runs out of blood, whoops.
DEADWOOD: Pimp and rapist charms frontier town into eventual fire-based disaster.
DELIVERANCE: Tourists experience local hospitality.
DEMOLITION MAN: In a future where crime is completely eradicated, a black man steals and murders.
DETROIT ROCK CITY: teenagers want to see kiss, steal Volvo, get priest high (what else is new) meet hot chick, throw pizza, see kiss, boy fucks dream girl in church, tells deranged obsessive mom to fuck off.
DIE HARD: Dysfunctional cop saves marriage by murdering foreign national.
DOCTOR FAUSTUS: Scholar leans nuances of contract law.
DOCTOR WHO: Elderly man serially abducts young women takes them on adventures, some are hot.
DONNIE DARKO: Hallucinating teen crushed by airplane engine.
(Bram Stoker’s) DRACULA: Immigrant clashes with locals.
DON’T BE A MENACE TO SOUTH CENTRAL: Guy wants out of the hood, black power guy sticks it to the white man by nailing his milk of magnesia. Midget becomes paraplegic.
DUDE WHERE’S MY CAR?: Kelso and other idiot lose car, have two hot girlfriends us guys wouldn’t mind nailing; somehow they get to be heroes instead.
EASTERN PROMISES: Aragorn has naked fighting scene, sure knows how to destroy a human body beyond recognition, turned out to be a cop.
EASY A: Hot girl fakes her way to good grades by opening her legs, without opening her legs. Moral of the story, nerds/gamers/virgins are too easy.
E.T.: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
EVOLUTION: Ethan Supplee uses a lot of head and shoulders, helps save world by giving monster a head n shoulders enema.
FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH: guy gets fired for telling a customer how it is, stoner still doesn’t know what happened.
FANTASTIC FOUR: Scientist exposes friends, family to dangerous radiation to assuage ego, becomes embroiled in rivalry with former roommate.
FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF: Amoral narcissist makes world dance for his amusement.
FEVER PITCH: Geeky high school teacher meets super hot girlfriend, must choose between Red Sox or banging her, smartly she makes him choose both, good girl, women are you reading this?
FIELD OF DREAMS: Schizophrenic builds Ball Park, almost kills girl.
FIGHT CLUB: Deranged sociopath guides yuppies to their deaths.
FIREFLY: In an analogue of the post-Civil War west, a white man on the losing side bosses around a black woman.
FRANKENSTEIN: Scientific advancement proves unpopular with general public.
FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS: A Young couple realizes that you can’t fuck each other without love getting in the way. But more hilarious than real life, since women cause so much drama.
GARDEN STATE: Emotionally deranged Wanna-be Actor loses mom, goes home for funeral, proceeds to go on drug binge, meets hot girl, breaks her heart. What kinda fag turns down Natalie Portman?
GHOSTBUSTERS: Unemployed college professors destroy hotel with nuclear weapons.
THE GIRL NEXT DOOR: Sean Avery’s sloppy seconds fucks teen boy, turns out she’s a porn star, makes every porno creep believe the same could happen to them.
GLADIATOR: Convict murders head of state.
THE GOLDEN COMPASS: Critique of Catholicism upstaged by polar bear fight.
GONE WITH THE WIND: Rich, white slave owner enjoys getting raped, proceeds to have a miscarriage.
THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY: Nameless drifter kills American soldier over stolen money, hangs friend.
GOOD DICK: Girl into porn can’t have social life and find a good guy, CHECK IT OUT IT’S A ROLE REVERSAL, but fictional.
GOOD WILL HUNTING: Underemployed genius squanders prestigious job opportunity to chase trim, applesauce bitch.
THE GOONIES: Physically abused, retarded man finds love with overweight preteen.
GROUNDHOG DAY: Misanthropic creep exploits space/time anomaly to stalk coworker.
GROWN UPS: Youth friends get back together; realize they have a good life save for the guy banging a corpse.
HACKERS: Cybercriminals on revenge kick destroy innumerable jobs.
HAIR: Hippie dodges draft, dies ironically.
HALLOWEEN: Babysitter’s relationship with murderer places children in danger.
HAROLD AND KUMAR: Stoners want hamburgers an hour away, Anthony Anderson freaks out, Asian stoner wants to bang Hispanic girl, other stoner cock blocks him. Love stains ensue on car with hookers and doctor doogie.
HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.
HIGHLANDER: Elderly immigrant destroys property, decapitates other elderly people.
A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE: former mob crazy guy makes new life, former employer wants to kill him, coffee in that town isn’t as good as the one back in Philly.
THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY: Illegal alien saves one loser human out of the entire earth, goes on adventure to have earth rebuilt, runs into hot girl he loved, they kill little people with teacups.
THE HOST: Korean man has difficulty looking after his daughter and running a restaurant out of his cart.
HOT SHOTS: Disgruntled armed forces veteran chases girl and glory.
HOT TUB TIME MACHINE: Guys go back in time to redo their past, relive old glory and make life better. Guy pukes on squirrel.
THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY: Family abandons beloved pets, forcing them to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
IRON MAN: Alcoholic rich white man with technology fetish goes vigilante.
WAR MACHINE: Alcoholic rich white man gives weapons to black man.
IT: Children use horrific murders as excuse to run train on young girl.
JFK: Family man wastes life for nothing in crusade against homosexuals.
JUDGE DREDD: Fascist thug in bleak dystopia is cheered.
JUMPER: Teen girl likes guy who can disappear to other far away places, proceeds to get kidnapped by a Jedi master.
JUNO: Teen fails to get abortion, ruins lives.
JURASSIC PARK: Theme park’s grand opening pushed back.
KARATE KID: Boy gains acceptance through violence.
KICK-ASS: Local kid decides to step up instead of step aside, gets to fly in a jet pack.
KILL BILL: Irresponsible mother wants custody of her child.
KINDERGARTEN COP: Incompetent left in charge of children, who are eventually fired at by convicted felon.
KING KONG: Endangered animal stolen, shot.
KUNG-FU PANDA: Fat lazy bum panda proves fat peoples dreams that they can be something beside a fat ass.
LAST ACTION HERO: Ahnold smokes cigars can’t be killed, kidnaps kid through golden ticket, ahnold talks to ahnold. Sonya Blade is his Daughter.
LEGION: The lord forgets how to keep it real, we also find out Angels are vicious violent assholes.
LITTLE BIG LEAUGE: Kid inherits baseball team, brings respect back to baseball, lockout ruins it a few years later.
LITTLE NICKY: Satan’s Retarded Son saves Satan from Debo and other gay brother; chick from legally blonde turns out to be the retards mom. It’s all in the hips.
THE LITTLE RASCALLS: bunch of kids sell fried chicken to rebuild soapbox car for race.
LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.
THE MACHINIST: Local factory worker refuses to take a nap, decides everyone is against him.
MADEA GOES TO JAIL: Menace to society goes to jail and gets out on a technicality, Lawyer also falls in love with prostitute and sends his fiancée to jail.
MARLEY AND ME: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
THE MATRIX: Hacker is given perfect justification for mass slaughter.
MAURICE RICHARD: THE ROCKET= greatest hockey movie to ever be made, knocks out Sean Avery twice, fuck you Sean Avery.
THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS: the army wastes resources and money on teaching men to play stare contests with goats until goats fall.
METROPOLIS: Efficient society undone by unions.
MICHAEL CLAYTON: Attorney works against client’s interests.
MILK: Uppity queer dies.
MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL: British comedy troupe inadvertently creates language lab for nerds.
MY GIRL: Boy killed by female friend’s irresponsibility.
MY SASSY GIRL (Korean film): Guy meets drunken chick, girl proceeds to abuse him so she can meet some other guy, two years later turned out that was the guy she was to meet.
My SASSY GIRL (American version): Sean Avery's sloppy seconds needs meds to stop acting like a weird bitch. She abuses Guy, both slap each other. Watch Korean film please.
NAPOLEON DYNAMITE: Retard meets cute girl and illegal immigrant, proceed to help immigrant become class president, dancing to Jamiroquai ensues.
THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: Dangerous insurgent invades neighboring country, causes emos to have wet dreams.
NO SLEEP ‘TIL MADISON: drunken boring comedians take road trip to the Madison hockey tournament, nothing funny happens.
THE OFFICE: Incompetent boss routinely endangers employees, passes fire-worthy blame, sexually harasses subordinates; is seen as “hero” compared to people who just actually work.
O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU: Southern musicians encounter massive flooding and government incompetence.
OBSERVE AND REPORT: Emotionally disturbed man gets woman drunk, rapes her.
OCEAN’S ELEVEN: Gang of career criminals commit act of terror to facilitate robbery and romance.
OF MICE AND MEN: Migrant farmer murders mentally handicapped friend, this has nothing to do with mice at all.
ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST: Disruptive mental patients treated.
THE OTHER GUYS: Desk jockey cops get jealous of other cops decide to take to the street, mess up a gas saver car.
OUTSOURCED: Guy loses his job, has to go to India and train people with shit accents everyone hates on the phone, years later they come here to Arizona and ruin our call centers.
PAPER HEART: Asian girl manages a way to make a Michael Cera movie THAT MUCH MORE BORING!!!!
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: Mel Gibson fulfills fantasy of showing a Jew beaten to a bloody pulp and killed on-screen; this ideology causes Kyle from southpark to have a nervous breakdown.
PATHFINDER: Viking helps Native Americans hold off other Vikings from conquering the Americas, Spaniards show up later and take care of business.
THE PEOPLE I’VE SLEPT WITH: Girl can’t figure out who her baby-daddy is, has to track down 500 guys, and realizes she’s a slut who likes to take photos.
PINEAPPLE EXPRESS: Loser fat 20-something year cant get pussy so proceeds to nail hot high school senior, gets stoned, goes on adventure, still cant compare to the epic awesomeness of cheech and chong.
PRECIOUS: Abused pregnant mother of one seeks help from her teachers, steals bucket of chicken once or twice.
PREDATOR: American military-industrial complex ruins first contact with alien life.
PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME= Guy has a hard time with time machine dagger, endangers entire kingdom.
PULP FICTION: Chris Chelios’ former hockey coach starring as himself, straight up from Inglewood!
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: American yahoo murders soldiers and desecrates religious artifacts for money.
RAISING ARIZONA: couple learns they can’t have a baby, steal one and raise it as their own, no biggie.
RAMBO III: The United States provides arms, equipment and training to the terrorists behind 9/11.
RATATOUILLE: Vermin infest restaurant until it is forced to close doors.
RISKY BUSINESS: Privileged rich kid gets everything he wants with no consequences.
ROAD HOUSE: Bouncer becomes vigilante, murders local businessman with karate.
ROBIN HOOD: Disgruntled veteran protests taxes.
ROBIN HOOD: MEN IN TIGHTS- we’re men, men, MEN, we’re men in tights, we roam around the forest looking for fiiiiiigggghhhhtttsss
ROBOCOP: Female officer’s incompetence leads partner to be murdered and enslaved by corporation.
ROCKY: White man beats black man, Everyone Cheers.
ROSEMARY’S BABY: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
RUDY: Diminutive athlete patronized.
RUSHMORE: Teen molests teacher, is expelled. Finds love.
SALEM WITCH TRIALS: white people get weirder by making up scapegoats for random shit happening.
SAVED: Teen fails to get abortion, makes new friends because of that, we find out Jesus freaks don’t like gays or pregnant teens.
SCARFACE: Immigrant finds running his own business stressful, dangerous. Wannabe gangsters begin to believe his story is true life, even though there’s proof of Frank Lucas a true gangster.
SCHINDLER’S LIST: Wealthy industrialist expands not-for-profit ventures.
THE SCORPION KING: Brothers embark on legendary adventure and fail, somewhat.
SCOTT PILGRIM: Emotionally immature musician sleeps with high-school girl, gets girlfriend even i'd kill to date. Manages to defeat her exes.
SE7EN: Homicide detectives unable to prevent even a single murder by admitted serial killer, killer gives cop head.
SHUTTER ISLAND: guy searches a case for a woman who murdered her family, realizes it’s his wife, has a small panic attack.
SIGNS: Jesus trumps science apparently aliens are also defeated by water.
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS: Incompetent manipulated by several murderers, stumbles upon suspect completely by accident. Creates situation that allows serial killer to escape.
SLC PUNK: Stevo: Only posers die you fucking idiot!
SLEEPY HOLLOW: Veteran harassed, gets revenge by killing bitch.
SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT: Redneck bootlegger makes mockery of law, sanctity of marriage.
SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS: Lay about stepdaughter shacks up with seven miners, they proceed to sing how she’s a ho.
SON OF RAMBOW: Boy inspired by Rambo: First Blood decides to make his tribute to it by taking John Rambo on as his dad.
SPIDER-MAN: Nerd gets bitten by spider, complains about how this ruins his life for years to come.
STARGATE: Random historian helps unlock gate to other worlds, stays behind to fuck a community leaders daughter.
STAR TREK: Over-sexed officer routinely places crew in danger.
STAR TREK THE MOTION PICTURE: Megalomaniac can’t let go of past glory, drives successor to suicide.
STAR TREK III: Military officers steal vessel and destroy it to eliminate a handful of enemies while engaged on an extremely vague rescue mission.
STAR TREK IV: Interplanetary fugitives poach wildlife from a past age to cover up an act of genocide.
STAR TREK VI: Racist military commander past his prime nearly ruins galactic peace.
STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: Religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands.
STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is abused by midget, kisses sister, and attempts patricide.
STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI: Handicapped mass murderer kills septuagenarian, is lauded.
STEP BROTHERS: guys with autism destroy parents attempt at second chance of love. Boats and hoes party results in burning boat, massive awesome drum solos happen.
THE STEPFATHER: Local man marries chick with kids that annoy him, does what every man who has stepchildren wishes they could do.
STRAW DOGS: Immigrant clashes with locals.
STRANGE BREW: Canadian guys will do anything for free beer and hockey.
SUNSHINE CLEANING: hot girl learns to clean up messes.
SUPERBAD: Boys plan date rape, sleep together, and confess man love to each other.
SUPERMAN RETURNS: Illegal immigrant is deadbeat dad.
SWEENEY TODD: Businesses flourish when freed from stringent regulation.
SWINGERS: Guy makes Gretzky’s head bleed in NHL on Sega.
TEEN WOLF: Teen has hard time adjusting to finding hair in places he didn’t have before.
TENURE: Professor faked his way through school, decides to go back to school and finish before someone finds out.
TERMINATOR: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: Tourists have difficulty with regional cuisine.
THE BIRDCAGE- homosexual couple teaches governor that it’s ok to bend it like bekham and still raise a straight child.
THERE WILL BE BLOOD: The Butcher becomes a Kidnapper, commits murder several times, for the American Dream of course.
THIS IS SPINAL TAP: Rock and Roll is a hard lifestyle in the 80s.
TITANIC: Crazy old widow disregards lifelong memories of husband, children, and grandchildren in favor of that one time she fucked a bum.
TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD: the exploitations of law and men who run it, doesn’t teach how to kill mockingbirds at all, misleading manual on killing birds.
TOP GUN: Pilot routinely endangers Air Traffic Controllers.
TRANSPORTER: Repressed homosexual kills employers.
TRAILER PARK BOYS: Ricky=I have all these voices in my head especially that one that keeps telling me this is greasy. I hate it!!!
Bubbles: Ricky that’s your conscience, its telling you what you’re doing is wrong
TROPIC THUNDER: Actors proceed to revive hostile relations with Vietnam, with blank bullets, somehow survive.
TWILIGHT: Stupid Girl gives up college, for a creepy stalker, most movie going girls wish they could fuck due to his paleness and lack of body definition.
UNDERCOVER BROTHER: WE WANT THE FUNK, GOTTA HAVE THAT FUNK! You Got Soul!
UP: Old man thinks he can escape the world by moving his house, accidentally kidnaps fat kid.
V FOR VENDETTA: Dystopian government overthrown by faceless conformity.
VALHALLA RISING: Viking doesn’t like being a slave, gets lost while escaping.
WALL-E: Obsolete robot disrupts big business, disrupts lives of millions of innocent civilians.
WAR OF THE WORLDS: Immigrants face difficulty acclimating with the locals.
WATCHMEN: Homosexual destroys New York, blames God.
WEEKEND AT BERNIES: Two employees take advantage of their boss’ hospitality.
WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER: The only thing that saves this movie is the lunch cook played by Christopher Meloni. That’s about it.
WHEN IN ROME: Typical girl really wants guy out of her league when everyone else really likes her but refuses to understand other people like her.
WINTER PASSING: Emotionally disconnected hottie visits dad, and tries to pass judgment on him and his roommates when she’s no slouch herself.
THE X-MEN: Minority group seeks overthrow of social order.
YEAR ONE: Gay couple save hotties and resort to being straight.
ZOMBIELAND: creator of facebook finds himself between a guy wanting a Twinkie and girls pants with his inability to do anything about it.
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