These Awards can only be given to the players who Play a
minimum of 30 games to a full 82 Take in Mind, some switch many teams in a
season like Reid Boucher just this season...
The Duke Lion Fightin' Stance Award:
Given to the player who registers the most fighting
majors for the season. Other criteria for consideration include blood drawn,
blood spilled, heads cracked, hands broken, and estimated number of opponents
who may have shit their pants. He Will
Basically try to fuck your shit up even if you don’t wanna fight.
2017 Recipient: Cody Mcleod, On a
surprising note, the Binscarth, Manitoba native had a pretty good fighting
major season and tops the NHL at 19.
Fighting has been kind of a lost art that is fading as time goes. Gone
are the days of the fighting specific player. Today’s game is no longer for the
goons, but mostly for the penalty killer, the grinder, and the guys who provide
depth and energy to their club and if needed, a good fight to set the tone of the
game. At 9 wins, 3 Losses, 5 draws, McLeod
took his punches and handed out more.
Honorable Mention: Micheal Haley,
although at 16 fights, and less wins, Haley did his job as an aggressive
grinder who comfortably took on anyone who tried messing with his team mates. I
can’t help but say that his fights at times felt like he was trying to settle a
personal score instead of help his team.
Andy Murray once said “You have to look at the fight, and what story it
tells, is it helping the team? Or is the guy fighting hurting your team?”
The Peter Sidorkiewicz Trophy:
Awarded annually to the most mediocre goaltender forced
into regular duty, although he has no business playing every day.
2017 Recipient: Calvin Pickard, at some point you want to just
print out the meme from the Simpsons “Stop, Stooop, he’s already dead” but then
you realize you don’t want it to stop because Avalanche fans used to be so
cocky about the team that spoiled them with Roy in net.
Welcome to the new Era, where your starter is an oft
injured wife beater (Patrick Roy’s perfect replacement) and your backup is
suddenly the season starter and plays 50 games, loses 31 and wins 15. I would further bash Cal, but then you
realize he plays for a team that is horse shit.
Honorable Mention: Speaking of Horse Shit, you know my love for
Mike Smith is undying, by love I mean hatred, pure pure hatred. Mike smith is a diving, whining, prima donna,
with a 19-26-8 record, it’s worth mentioning that this is by far is best season
since the Defensive machine of 2012 that made life a breeze for him. As usual when the team struggles he goes down
with “injury” and disappears. As usual
per game it’s a mandatory 5 goal game for the coyotes to even have a chance at
winning, and he makes sure of this by heading to the corner and playing the
puck dead center into opposing players tape for empty net goals. Fucking
Pheasant.
The Darcy Tucker Award:
Given to a player that registers a career-high in goals
during a contract year in effort to secure a big payday.
2017 Recipient: Patrick Eaves. Need
I say more? Although Eaves is a personal
favorite, I always saw him as a solid depth player who has more speed to burn
than guys have skill, his stats have always been down. His career goals year
was 2005-06 at 20 Goals, 9 assists for the senators but prorated with the AHL
numbers you’re looking at 25G, 42pts.
Fast forward to 2017 and he suddenly has 32G, 51pts?
Oh, right contract year, being the cheapest 32 goal
scorer the league has, he’s looking at a decent payday that I’m sure teams
might regret.
Honorable Mention: Martin Hanzal,
you might see a trend of Arizona players on this list, bear with me. Having
career constant low scoring numbers while getting first line minutes makes most
people tilt their heads. Yes the coyotes
suck, this is established, but when you realize you might be getting traded and
suddenly going on a tear after the half year mark and telling reporters who
asked “has something changed that is making you score so much suddenly?” and
you answer with ‘Just playing for my future’
That’s some ultimate Darcy Tucker Award if there ever was
one. But giving him something to win would be a disservice, here’s to the Wild
making it to the second round so their draft pick is a higher round for Arizona. But here’s to the wild not winning the cup, can’t
think of a less deserving player.
The Steve Downie Trophy:
Awarded annually to the player judged to be the biggest
piece of shit by both players and fans.
2017 Recipient: Brad Marchand, Ken Linseman was called “The
Rat” in reality the real moniker of it in true fashion was Matthew
Barnaby, but Talented Cheap Piece of
Shit goes to Marchand. It’s amazing to
see a player with such a high intensity play to move the puck, pass, get the
puck back and score can turn around and spear guys in the cup, go knee on knee
with you, and sucker you when you’re not looking. I get it, you’re 4’7” and need to make room
for yourself. But you’re putting your
team behind on penalty killing time more often than not. Not to take away from his skill, he’s an
amazing talented individual with a shot like no other. But that’s not going to
make me ignore the piece of shit he is.
Honorable mention: Alexei Emelin,
sure there could have been better picks. Like Andrew Shaw, or Milan Lucic. But let’s take a moment and appreciate why
Emelin is such a piece of shit. Emelin
likes to hit low, often, and has metal plates and screws on the side of his
face for a reason. The reason is he’s a piece of shit. Before this current NHL
if you were throwing low bridge submarine hits, nearly going knee on knee,
someone was coming for you. It’s still a
thing to do, but he quickly hides behind a referee and asks “what, what’d I
do?”
If you have to ask, you already messed up.
The Harold Ballard Award:
Given to the executive that caused the most irreparable
damage to his team by shortsighted transactions. Previous Winners have been
Wayne Gretzky, and Peter Karmanos.
2017 Recipient: Francesco Aquilini,
I wouldn’t say he’s done irreparable damage to his team, but throwing money
around, refusing to allow your management the ability to properly and quickly
rebuild the team and having them sign aging veterans that did not make a
difference to this team in its quick decline, IS damaging. It did set the team
back, and keeping the aging Sedin’s past their high market value that could
have attained good returns, is just plain sad. For them and for the team. It’s almost as if they’re the worst team in
the league.
Honorable mention: OH WAIT, there’s
the Colorado Avalanche. A once powerful
team that people expected deep playoff runs out of them, now expect a good high
first or second overall draft pick in possibly one of the weakest drafts
possible.
“Who Oon da team?”
OOOOOWNs, OWNS
That would-be Wal Mart heir Josh Kroenke, it’s bad enough
Wal Mart is going to be your owner, but being treated like trash that wal mart
treats their customers and employees, well it says enough. Kroenke hired Joe
Sakic, (more on him later) and the rest is history, the worst season in history
since the Atlanta Thrashers (throwback name). On the Bright side, he has come
to his senses and did not allow joe Sakic to trade any important pieces this
trade deadline.
The Kevin Lowe Award:
Awarded to the GM who best Exemplifies the ability to
"throw a grenade at 30 other teams by doing something stupid with a
contract or a trade"
2017 Recipient: Joe Sakic. One of
the GOAT’s as a player is the complete opposite as a general manager. Like
Gretzky as a coach, Sakic proves to the everyday man that a profession sports
player, will not always become a good manager or coach. Boy howdy, is he ever a
bad one. It got to the point that people
even began to question “Maybe Patrick Roy leaving the team was actually not
about Roy but Sakic being the problem?”
The Correct answer was Both, but it speaks volumes that
your ownership tells you to sit down, shut up and not trade anyone until they
basically Choose your replacement this summer. That’s how bad you are at your
job.
Honorable Mention: Jim Benning,
signing veteran players for a team that should be headed into a rebuild? Check
Missing the
playoffs and completely Out Tanking even the Coyotes? Check
Wasting a year of the Sedins by keeping them instead of
at least trading them and getting value in return? Check
But hey who am I to mock them, I don’t work for an NHL
team….
The Tom McVie Award:
Awarded annually to the coach that displays the most
dysfunctional on-ice product.
2017 Recipient: Dave Tippett. Name ONE NHL coach that has been
able to keep his job and miss the playoffs for 5 straight seasons? I can wait.
You cannot. Now Coyotes fans will find any reason to give
you why its ok “he’s a great coach, he once was a runner up for the Jack Adams”
“He took us to the conference finals”
“His system is outdated but he’s great”
“give me five good coaches who are good enough and will
work willingly with youth and develop them”
Once you give that dumbfuck five solid coaches available
right now, they’ll revert to calling you irrelevant. That’s one thing about coyotes fans, they
don’t see the problem, unless they mean you for questioning and having
expectations.
Not once have we ever seen a team lose 8 straight
consistently and not make a single change in the lineup, or lines. Not since Tom McVie actually.
Mediocre starting goalie?
Check, start him every game no matter what
Youth? Check, scratched.
Take away veteran players to force him to play youth?
Check, still getting benched.
The same reasons Dallas fired him, are the same reasons
the Coyotes will not fire him.
Shit roster?
Check, that’s a perfect excuse.
It is our belief that Tippett has incriminating photos of
Anthony leblanc or Gary Bettman and that’s why they won’t fire him. Out of fear.
Since this writing, Dave Tippett has been forced to quit
and accept a severance package of 3 million dollars. It’s still way too much but it’s worth having
him be away from any team in the NHL with his “losing is ok” attitude. So long, Goodbye, you will not be missed!
The Todd Bertuzzi Trophy:
The Todd Bertuzzi trophy is given to a player that works
the hardest to reinforce every ‘violence in hockey’ stereotype known. Usually
awarded to the player with the most attempt to injures, attempted murders, and
sucker punches. (Previous winners include Scott Walker, Todd Bertuzzi, and
Marty McSorely.)
2017 Recipient: Brad Marchand, it’s not every day you can get
a player twice on a list. But here we
are, breaking records eh? Brad Marchand
will sucker punch you after spearing you in the nuts as quickly as he is to
fire a snapper over the shoulder and go bar down with 3 minutes left in a tie
game. Is he a piece of shit? Absolutely,
but is he a talented piece of shit?
CORRECT.
Honorable Mention: Micheal Haley.
It’s been a while since we saw a player get reprimanded by his own peers for
throwing a cheap shot. Enter Micheal
Haley, twas a long twilight ago when the Nashville Predators hosted the San
Jose Sharks.
Imagine the scene, Haley, face to the boards, a young
enthusiastic Calle Jarnkrok (say that ten times while drunk…challenge accepted)
hits Haley from behind into the boards. Your first thought is “uh oh, hope he’s
ok…. oh, wait there he goes, wow a scrum is starting, where’s Haley? Oh there
he is, oh he’s pissed…OH SNAP HE JUST PUNCHED WHATS HIS FUCKED UP NAME IN THE
MOUTH AND DROPPED HIM”
Ironically Haley is the one who was suspended. Haley was
suspended for one game, no biggie.
The Chris Chelios Award:
Self-explanatory, but given to the NHL’s oldest player.
2017 Recipient: Jaromir Jagr, The Mullet, aka Jagr is God, aka
GOAT, Man of Many, and yet so few. Jagr has defied father time. In a season
where Florida was a cluster, he decided this was probably his last season and
just kept scoring. 46 points by a guy who’s
one year shy of that total. AND HE
PLAYED ALL 82 GAMES!!!!
To still be a factor in games, don’t let that point total
fool you, he’s only here by age default, He aint no Brett Hull who suited up as
an old man with phoenix and went home crying after 7 games of fourth line
minutes because he was so awful and drunk.
Honorable Mention: Shane Doan. Age
40. And has he slowed down this
season. It’s unfortunate after coming
off a good resurgence in his play, it feels like Doan hit rock bottom along
with the team he leads. You could tell
his frustration, and you could tell his anger with this team’s management. Doan originally signed with the Coyotes for a
three year extension on a baseless lie that they would try and compete. And Compete they did, in NHL07 by acquiring
Pavel Datsyuk’s contract while he fucked off back to Russia, Chris Prongers
contract while he was hired by the NHL. Acquiring Dave Bolland and telling him
to go home and hide in a padded room with the lights dimmed down. Essentially the Coyotes got their Top flight
Center and Big Defender. If they wanted to build around them in 2007. Poor guy, should have asked for a trade and
chase that cup. Loyalty can only win you
so much, all 30 wins, and a solid 42 losses again. Since this writing, Doan has been let go by
the only team he has ever known. Now a
free agent, he can do what we all have begged him to do for five years, leave
the Coyotes and go to a real contender and try to win a cup.
The Mike Ricci Trophy:
Given to a player with the best mop on his head.
2017 Recipient: Ryan White, Have you not been paying
attention? The goofy former Montreal Draft pick who went to Philly and then
Arizona before going to Minnesota to chase the dream is not just a high energy
very feisty player, but a true Pantene Pro.
The Flow oozing out paired with his aggressive play is sure to land him
an Alberto V05 contract soon enough.
Honorable Mention: Mats Zuccarello. Have
you seen that flow coming out of his bucket?
Nuff said. Another Pantene Pro Starting
Line Up.
The 'Tart' Ross Trophy:
Given to the Player who plays a minimum of 30 games and
his dubious scoring antics. Previous
recipients include Matthew Spiller, Half the Coyotes team since 2003.
2017 Recipient: Normally I don’t do
this, but The Colorado Avalanche of 2016-17 Take the Winner, and the runner up
is also the Colorado Avalanche. In a
flurry of suck, they not only sucked, but swallowed.
Dis-Honorable Runner-Runner Up:
Andrew Desjardins 46GP, 1 Assist -6
The Slack Adams Award:
Given to the coach who is basically a cancer to his team
and bench.
2017 Recipient: Michel Therrien,
fortunately for Montreal and the fans, he was fired. A coach who shows now
heart, his drinking buddy is the GM which kept his job secure, and instead of
properly inserting talent with the correct players they can grow. He would
quickly split the lines immediately after a game they had success on. “We lose, time to change the lines. We won, time to change the lines and add Davey
into the top line again” his obsession
with David Desharnais was too well documented.
Dis- Honorable Mention: As much as
I’d love to throw Dave Tippett under the bus, I’ll have to do it to Dan
Bylsma. Here we have a rare case of a
coach being hired by a powerhouse team that is on cruise control and doesn’t
need a coach, just a monkey in a suit to stand around. Collect his cup, and not mess with the
team. Imagine to the dismay of BuffaLoL
fans that he was hired to begin their rebuild and has finished no higher than 7th
in his first year with the, and 8th this season. All meanwhile fighting with his goalie, and
his star forward Jack Eichel.
The NOrris Trophy:
Given to the defenseman who is not just mediocre, but
sucks plain out, and i dont mean "Mike Green at Defense" Sucks, i
mean he can’t hit the net or block a shot-sucks.
2017 Recipient: Coming in at a
whopping 73 frustratingly games played, 2G-16A and a -5. Andrew Macdonald of the Flyers will take this
bitter cake. Ask any Flyer’s fan who they
think is the worst piece of the Flyers D core. If there’s two, grab a bag of
corn, because they’re going to go nuts arguing between MacDonald and Nick
Schultz. But when you have two guys who
are walking bad habit examples for the youth, you might have a problem.
The Lesswegetlessweseelessisbetterofyou Patrick
Trophy:
Given to the person in hockey with the least outstanding
service to the game, meaning you're basically in the news and its nothing
positive because you’re an asshole or selfish prick.
2017 Recipient: I get it, you’re
probably thinking its Terry Pegula, with his constant impatient and changes to
the Sabres. AGAIN. But it’s not. I’m
taking a full stab at the Elephant in the Room.
That’s right. The NHL Player
Safety has not just drawn the ire of the players themselves, but the fans and
the media for the joke that they have been. Not suspending a player for
slashing someone to the point their finger detached? Same Player spearing a guy in the cup? First, in any male sport it’s an unwritten
rule, you don’t go for the balls. EVER.
It’s chicken shit, its garbage, and you’re garbage for doing so. Not only have we seen this happen multiple
times, but we’ve seen stars do it repeatedly as well. What does player safety do? Fine them 2500 dollars. Chump change for
them. Or a used car, or a really nice
bed, or a really nice apartment for a month.
Fantastic. Player Safety has been
a joke since the old days, and now it’s still just as dumb, except they can
make YouTube videos to justify their hilarious logic.
Put the bong water down boys. Can’t have you smoking that much beer.
Too Much Plus/Minus Award:
Given to the player with the worst +/- possible:
2017 Recipient: It’s too easy to
give it to Colorado Avalanche players, Matt Duchene and Tyson Barrie tied for
-34. So let’s get creative, yeah?
Damon Severson -31. I know, he plays Defense, and
normally defensemen have a bad +/- but Severson had a sizeable disadvantage
over the next two defensemen stuck at the bottom of the suck. Dmitry Kulikov from Buffalo was a staggering
-26, if you can do math, that’s 5 worse than the next guy who plays
defense. Severson had some advantage to
even it out as he played 80 games compared to Kulikov’s 47. But Kulikov does play for Buffalol, so I’ll
forgive him there. Then again New
Jersey wasn’t great either.
Honorable Mention: Riley Sheahan -29
80GP. Whew, it’s been a different year this season. We’re seeing new things
happen we didn’t think we’d be so lucky to finally see in a long time. From
Detroit’s long awaited playoff streak finally breaking and Detroit fans no
longer being able to say “well we got bounced in the first round but hey, at
least the streak is alive right”. To seeing Colorado become a bigger joke than
we thought they could ever be. It amazes me they even kept their coaching staff
and GM. But let’s focus here. Detroit
missed the playoffs, their fans can go home quietly and it’s always a fun day
seeing them pipe down. Goodnight!
The Silver Bullet Award:
Given to the player with the worst goal output possible
for someone who once had so much potential. *Excluded from being listed are
players who’s seasons ended from injury.
2017 Recipient: Alexander
Steen, What a weird change up for Steen
this year. Sure, he got 51 points which is still good enough, if your stats sit
at 16G 35A 51Pts. However this is the
Same Alex Steen we saw hit 33 goals, a career high and his potential he was
drafted so highly by Toronto years back, a
high everyone thought “finally, holy crap look at him go!”
So what does he do the next year? Build off that? Close, he gets 24 goals and 64 points which
is more points than the previous year, but his stats have steadily declined in
goals, with 17 and 16. His assists have
been a saving grace meaning his still a great playmaker that he is, but somehow
for whatever reason his scoring touch has gone down, and it’s unfortunate. Hes
got a great shot, hopefully next year is different.
The Credit Union Award:
To the NHL player not voted fan favorite for his
irrelevance to the league and team itself:
2017 Recipient: Joe Colborne, I had
many players to ponder about this one, From Micheal Haley, to Derek Mackenzie,
to Chris Neil (scroll past this if you want to read his first) But the biggest
CU winner is Colborne. Once a highly
touted prospect and player for the Calgary Flames, he somehow chose to dump
what made him successful in Calgary and opted to become a free agent. Choosing to go live in Colorado, where Denver
was in the process of everything going wrong… Colborne made an instant impact in his Avalanche debut, recording his first
career NHL hat-trick, in a 6-5 victory…he wouldn’t score another goal until
much later in the season. Playing 62
games, 4 goals, 4 assists, 5 million dollars. Open that door and let that Sink
right on in.
Honorable Mention: Chris Neil, yes, he’s
respected, but yes, he’s also kind of a piece of crap. He’s part of the dying
breed of an enforcer, he sends the message but most stars can send their own
message now or have a relevant enough supporting cast to send a message while
contributing. You know it takes a huge
downturn in your career when you go from playing 75+ games to 53 and just 2
playoff games, one which you were booted from, minutes in. It’s hard to expect anything out of him
besides sand paper and a couple sucker
punches. But is it asking too much to maybe try and contribute? He hasn’t had over 10 goals in 5 years! I can’t name a guy who’s more irrelevant to
the game than this throwback to a time that has been phased out. You can’t have guys who can only bring
sandpaper and not contribute. It just
doesn’t work like that anymore.
The Steve McKenna Award:
Given to the worst captain in the League currently. Player must wear the C on his chest a minimum
of 30 games barred from Injury, his support in play and lack of anything
counts.
2017 Recipient: I’m having a hard
time choosing one for this list. I have
four solid choices. The easy one would
be Gabriel Landeskog, but Colorado had such an awful season that I decided to
spare him, I mean 33 points is still decent in a team that might as well have
gone 0-82.
I’m going to go with Maximillian Kolenda Pacioretty, Yup,
I went there. Is he a good scoring player? Yes, he’s a great sniper and has
consistently scored over 30 goals a season and if you included the prorated
lockout half season in 2012-13 he would have been on pace for another 35 goals
too. He’s been a “30+ goal scorer” since
2011-12. He’s got one of the best
natural shooting styles in the league, decent speed, and a very good passer
since he matches almost all his goals with nearly the same number of
assists. But one thing he lacks is
leadership. Forcing your team to cater to you instead of the good of the team
is NOT a captain move. Nobody should have to walk on eggshells for someone who
has a soft ego. If the rumor was correct which sounded like it was, conspiring
with your garbage coach who’s now been fired into forcing management to trade
one of the better defensemen in the league out of sheer pettiness is just sad
and kind of pathetic. Are there better
suitors for the fabled C of the CH?
Absolutely! Will it be exchanged?
Probably not.
Pacioretty is a Guy Lafleur type, he simply cannot handle
the weight of a captain C on his chest and it should be moved so he can go back
to playing pressure free on his way to his true potential.
Honorable Mention: Derek MacKenzie,
being high on character but nothing to back it up doesn’t always make you a
worthy captain. Maybe an alternate.
Derek MacKenzie has been one of the biggest statistic anomalies in the NHL as
far as leaders go. Scoring less than most defensemen and he’s a forward. He is a decent penalty killer, and solid on
faceoffs, however his production promptly drops off after those stats. In a
full 82 game season, he mustered 6 goals and 10 assists, good for a 4th
liner. There are much better players on
the young Panthers’ team who can become captain and lead in the locker room and
on the stat sheet by example. That person will come along, most likely in the
name of Aaron Ekblad.
The Holyfield Award
Given to the player who best exemplifies the "GOD
DAMN" Effect on everyone, with a one punch knockout of a player. Previous recipients include that Boogaard for
his punch on the small Fedoruk, and Colton Orr for his punch on Fedoruk, Tie
Domi for his Punch on Ulf Samuelsson.
2017 Recipient: Lest we forget Max
Domi KNOCKING OUT Ryan Kesler with one punch. If you haven’t seen this fight,
please, do yourself a favor and find it. There were some real dandies this
year. But this one, between two star
players, was easily one top notch fight.
We didn’t have two guys slugging it out for a minute, but it was quick,
efficient, and reminded the world the name Domi isn’t just for scoring now, it
stands for intensity and the ability to still fight if needed. Not that many of
us needed reminding. Ryan Kesler found
out. He learned.
Honorable Mention: This fight did
not have a knockout and didn’t need one. But don’t discount the energy that Sam
Bennett vs Jacob Trouba had. This is a
fight, THIS was a fight, boys and girls!
Look it up, this had everything, Blood, punches thrown
with zero attempts at defense, just straight up swinging for the fences. Two
good guys, taking care of business and nobody got hurt, just a little bit of
blood. Both came back to finish their games after a couple stitches. I haven’t been this excited about watching
two star players fight in a long while until this happened, and boy were they
unloading on each other.
